A post of Sammy's lamenting the depth of closet he finds himself in had me reflecting on my relationship with the closet. It's been a fact of life for 40 years to a greater or lesser extent, just something that is.
As soon as I became aware of my sexual attraction to males I knew that it had to be hidden. Not because of guilt (I never believed it was "wrong"), but because I knew what the consequences would be if I was found out. Coming out for me at 19 was as much about accepting myself. Accepting that my life would inevitably go down a different path to straight people. So I came out to family and friends. But never in the petrol stations I worked, and only to some people at uni.
Sadly no-one like this in my closet.
When I began teaching it was straight back into the closet. Straightening up my appearence, broadening the accent. To staff, because some Principals would have held it against me, and students, because I vowed I would never become the target of every adolescent male insecure in their own sexuality. I could not have survived that. Now I'm mostly out to staff, it's actually hard work - I'm still having to drop it into conversations, just to avoid the embarrassing moments.
But never to students. Most students of the ages I teach are reasonably tolerant, that is a big change that has occured over the last decade. But a few aren't. One guy I teach this year is particularly homophobic (ironically named Kurt - somehow I don't think he watches Glee). He is full of bluster, he talks of what he would do if he found out his son was gay etc. To the general condemnation of the rest of the class. The sad fact is he likes me as a teacher. I challenge him every time, even to pointing out how his obsession makes people wonder why. But he doesn't get it, and he hasn't a clue about me.
So there are some people I share nothing with, and some things I will share with no-one. It's just not worth it. I guess I am comfortable being an outsider. If there are some things I have to hide, well so be it. The view from the outside is a good one, I'm there with all the other misfits. It makes it easier to know which side I'm on.
Hey, Billy, thanks for posting :). It might have been a bit uncomfortable sharing so much, but I think your post helps others relate, especially those who are still in the closet and having a difficult time. I know that this is something that I still have not told my family and friends, and it is annoying pretending to like girls when my classmates are talking about girls and having girlfriends :S.
ReplyDeleteHello Billy
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are on much better terms with yourself than I am, not that that's a huge achievement in my current rut. I can certainly relate to the last paragraph, about 'outsider-ness', and what you share, and with whom. Not much, blog apart, in my case.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hey Billy,
ReplyDelete.......... You pretty much described my PIC (position in closet), except my sexual self-realization didn't occur until my early thirties.
At this "winter" stage of my life, I don't give a "rat's patoot" about who knows and who doesn't. I won't make any "announcement"; BUT, if someone asks, I will tell. I'm guessing that most people at the marina are guessing I'm homosexual.
The local friends on my Facebook page have little snippets here and there that would probably indicate my sexuality. So far, nothing adversarial has occurred, and all still have the same friendly and relaxed demeanor towards me.
.... I'm guessing that things are starting to look up :)
"BZ"............... "FOGGY"............
I think we must all be on the same sheet of music here. ONE person (who no longer works there) knew about me at work. A few friends here and there do, but not many. So I guess I get to see both sides, to a degree.
ReplyDeleteBilly, I know about the challenging...my five years in a high school taught me a lot, and I wouldn't put up with any outward bullying or even sideways comments, but there were those who'd challenge anyone, so I challenged back. But I never came out myself.
I guess it's all part of the slow acceptance here and there of society.
Nice post, thanks for the update!
Peace <3
Jay